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Saturday, May 27th, 2006
2:45 pm - The Return of the Feldman Returns

The other night, it's me and some of the gents (D. Toffey, J. Cloud, and D. Morgan) in the basement, watching TV or something. The Feldman comes home pretty late, around 10 I'd say, because he's been busy with events (remember, this year is the official year of his Chancellorship). It begins when he asks Dan about his summer job, concerning which Dan says that such an occupation gives him the opportunity to wear the nice clothes he has just purchased.

"You want ties?" AMF asks. Dan politely declines, explaining again that he is all set in that department. "How about the rest of you?" Dave and Julian also abjure. But the Feldman, heedless, raises a hand. "Be right back," he says. And returns with a bulging plastic bag that he tosses at Dan. "That's $2,000 worth of ties right there," he says.

Faced with such a bounty, there is no choice but to divide the wealth, portioning out glorious ties according to need and taste. Daniel F., who shows up later, misses the "rolling around in expensive ties" part of the evening and is forced to take the dregs of the finest italian silk.

The generosity of the Feldman is legendary. Who could stave off so powerful a torrent? Having given me a hug and gone off to bed, he returns a few minutes later with another few handfuls of ties.

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Friday, June 17th, 2005
3:05 pm

Alan Feldman is a man of influence!!! My employment hinges on his thumb joint!!!!!! MY LIFEBLOOD SHOUTS HIS NAME

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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
2:25 am - Feldman Trivia Question #4

Difficulty Level: 3

The Feldman holds a certain elected position in the Philadelphia Bar Association. That position was very recently upgraded. What is the Feldman's newly upgraded official title?

Bonus question: What is the name of the woman he beat out in this race a year ago?

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2:17 am - The mighty Feldman's omnipotent spoon

My father has a chronic problem with eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. No peanut butter in the house is safe. My mother used to buy two jars - one normal (for his exclusive use) and one that she'd hide so he couldn't get to it. The Feldman is far too wily for his beloved partner's efforts to thwart him, however, and so MP eventually gave up. We're always telling him to stop doing that - it's gross - he eats like a pig - he's sick, for god's sake - and can't he at least switch spoons instead of standing there for 10 minutes with the same one, spooning peanut butter into his regal face.

The other night, sure enough, he's at it again, and my mother and I gang up on him. "Alan," says MP, "Stop doing that, it's disgusting." "Dad, we're always telling you to stop! Quit doing it already." He accquiesces. "Alright, alright, I know, I know." "But," I protest, "You're just going to keep doing it." "Uhh, yeah," he says. "Actually, I don't know." The battle continues!

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12:59 am - He's finally gone off the motherfucking deep end

The Feldman has recently become obsessed with a nearly nonexistent movie called Friends. It's French, and from the '80s or something, about two 14-year olds you run away together and have a baby. Or some crap. Anyway, it never came out on DVD, and there are only a few scattered copies of it on VHS, and AMF recently purchased a battered used copy off of Amazon for $45. So a few nights ago the family (me, Erica, AMF and MP) is gathered in the basement for a Feldman movie night (we're watching some other piece of crap, not Friends). Nonetheless, while we're waiting for The Pelta to get some coffee or something, my dad starts mumbling about Friends. Apparently the venerable soundtrack, done by Elton John, was never released, much to the woe of my slightly befuddled father. As his ramblings continued, he suddenly stood, kahlua-and-cream in hand, and walked over to a pile of records leaning against the wall. He kneels down and begins urgently shuffling through it. My sister and I look at each other, perplexed. "Dad," I say, "What are you doing?" "I'm looking for the Friends soundtrack," he barks. "The... one that doesn't exist?" "Shh! I'm looking for the soundtrack!" We lapse into silence. Erica and I attempt a few protests, but think better of it. Eventually, AMF comes back to the couch. We watch the movie as a family.

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Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
6:14 pm - FYI

I'm downloading Bjork songs right now at the request of my father.

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Friday, August 20th, 2004
12:21 am - Pool party

Me, The Felds, and the Pelts are hanging out by the pool. Pelts says, "So I heard this question on Teen Jeopardy the other night..." I and Felds say, tell us. Pelts: "It was, out of the 6 languages - " Felds interrupts, a triumphant smirk across his imperial face. "Ah! I know the answer." Mom looks at him skeptically, then repeats. "Out of the 6 languages that - "

"French!" cries the victorious Feldman. My mother and I stare at him, each other, and then begin laughing. My father grins in triumph. "Next question!"

The answer is Chinese.

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Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
11:51 pm

one of my fondest AMF memories was a nice weekend at the Longport Estate. This happened to be the weekend that poor Jon Garcia had a collision with a jetti/jetty/jeti? and the Italijet sustained some cosmetic damage. Other guests of honour were Molly, Teva, Melanie and, yes, BOTH feldman girls.

there is no punchline or one liner to go with this story, but the memory is dancing late into the evening on the second floor, lining up in two lines with the person at the front of the line dancing down the middle (soul train style). apparently the neighbors (not the next door ones, but the ones across the street) were not as fond of The Clash as we were, but they couldn't silence the rock in our hearts, and that's what matters.

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8:12 pm - Alan.

This one time Alan took me to Medley Music to try and help get me a job. He tried, but his efforts were in vain. I was playing around in the store for a couple minutes afterwards, and just as we're about to leave he chuckles to himself and says, "Musicians....can't live with em, can't kill em."

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Friday, July 30th, 2004
8:18 pm - Money Ain't a Thing

The financial generosity of the Feldman is legendary. Many uninitiated have difficulty believing the stories until they themselves have experienced it. Here is a brief, true tale to disspell any doubts concerning the benevolent power of the Feldman Visa card.

I recently set up my own checking account. Therein lies a fairly substantial wad of cash for someone who doesn't have to take care of any of her own financial needs. That said, the account is basically my own spending money, obtained from birthday & graduation gifts, as well as a few other sources (facepainting... etc). I plan to make a somewhat major purchase with this, my own money, sometime in the near future, and I told my father this today on the phone when I informed him that, owing to my new debit card, I now have a certain modicum of financial freedom. His response: "Well, yes, but I still want you to be using The Card1." I told him yes, sure I would, but for this major purchase (a Reload bag), I wanted to actually buy it myself. The bag would be expensive. "No, you'll need that money. You need to buy it with the the card." This discussion quickly turned into an argument. "Jules, listen to me! You don't know what you're saying. Just use the card, okay?" I confess to becoming a bit frustrated. "Dad, you can't tell me what to pay for with what! You can't force me!" The conversation ended with my saying that the conversation wasn't over, and his saying that it certainly was. Hey, must be the money.

On what must be an entirely unrelated note, I later tried to activate my new debit card online. I accurately typed in my number and what I thought was my pin to activate the card. Though I tried several times, each time I was informed that my pin was wrong. Surely, my father had no connection to this. Surely I just misremembered my pin.


1: "The Card" refers to the mighty Visa platinum, which I, and indeed pretty much everyone I know, depend on.

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Monday, July 26th, 2004
9:50 pm - Lost in the Supermarket

Abandoned by my mother who is vacationing at Longport with a friend, my father and I are forced to fend for ourselves for dinner. Eventually we decide to take a trip to ACME (or "the big Wawa"1) to purchase burgers and appropriate accessories. On the way home, AMF pontificates on one of his favorite subjects: ludicrous purchases.

"Just so you know, supermarkets are great places to work." The conversation started out mundanely enough, before segueing into Feldmadness. "They pay very well. Say, Jules! I should buy the ACME and get your friends to work there. Eh? Eh?" I say something along the lines of "Yeah, dad. Good idea." He continues, addressing imaginary employees: "Hi, Manager Jon! Hi, Meat Department Toffey! How's the steak? Erica, and how are the vegetables?"

You have to admit, it sure does make a lot of sense.

1: Folks around here know that the ACME is a pretty poor supermarket. AMF, however, has a refreshingly positive attitude about the situation: "Don't think about it like a supermarket - think about it like a great big Wawa! Then it's wonderful!"

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Saturday, July 24th, 2004
12:47 pm - Feldman Trivia Question #3

Difficulty Level: 1

The Feldman recently returned from a 10-day vacation with his lovely wife, The Pelta. In what country were they vacationing?

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Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
1:20 pm - They say that a hero will save us, I'm not gonna stand here and wait

Several nights ago we Pelta Feldmans (sans sis in Chicago) engaged in a vitally important Feldman ritual: the viewing and subsequent celebration of Spiderman 2, a film with an extraordinary legacy to fulfill. (For those unacquainted with AMF and his ways, the Feldman dubbed the first Spiderman flick as "the greatest movie of all time.") Anyway, this promised to be a most Feldmanesque evening. Mr. Daniel K. Toffey also came along for the ride.

After the Feldman has induced us to switch our seats in the near-empty stadium-seating theatre (we weren't close enough), we all sit, absently watching the previews, overcome with excitement. AMF leans over to me and asks "Hey Jules, do you think the song from the first one will be in the movie?" He is talking about the (admittedly awful) Nickelback song,1 some of the lyrics of which are displayed in the subject of this post. "I doubt it, Dad," I reply. "What? How can they make the movie without that song? Hey Jules, how's that song go again - the eye of the spider - right?"

I feebly try to correct him, but give up. The will of the Feldman is too strong. After the movie is over, I ask him what he thought of it. His response: "That was the greatest movie I've ever seen!" Good to hear that the eye of the spider is still alive and well!

1: When he first bought the Spiderman DVD, he forced myself and a few co-captives to sit through the alternate ending credits once he discovered that they featured Nickelback playing that song on some rooftop.

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Saturday, July 10th, 2004
1:57 am - Feldman Trivia Question #2

Difficulty level: 5

What are the brand names of both of AMF's motor scooters?

Extra Credit: Brand names, as well as models. Go team!!!

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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
2:13 pm - Hurrah!

Today Feldmans and Peltas unite in the celebration of Erica "Big Fel" Pelta Feldman's 21st birthday!!! Happy b-day big sis!!

Fels 4 Lyfe

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1:28 am - Lord of the Bling

AMF and MP have ordered the 3rd Lord of the Rings movie on pay per view and we're all sitting on the couch watching it together like a normal, happy family.

It's one of those really heavy emotional scenes, laden with all these notions of honor and duty and all that standard Tolkien crap. In this particular one, the king of Rohan approaches his melancholy daughter/niece/whatever to tell her not to grieve for the lives about to be lost in honorable battle. As he courageously inspires her to be strong, my dad opens his mouth and says thoughtfully, "You know, I hope I never have to have a conversation like this with Julia." Me either, pops!

Later on in the film...

The soon-to-be-kingified Aragorn is preparing to lead his men into one final battle. He gives some big speech about brotherhood and manliness (this scene is fully as heavy as the first), and the speech culminates in everybody yelling out stuff about mankind. At this point, AMF gets caught up in the spirit, and, shaking his fist at the screen, decides to add to the scene his own battlecry: "Feldmen!!!!"

Now begins the reign of man... the reign of Feldman.

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1:26 am - Bill Murray is a comic genius, there's no denying it

My dad has Groundhog Day on upstairs. He has it on so loud that, far short of being even remotely able to watch anything else down here, I would in fact be able to watch Groundhog Day with the sound off and experience nothing out of the ordinary.

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1:24 am - He took this himself. I remember.


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1:22 am - Feldman Trivia Question #1

Difficulty level: 2

What is Alan Feldman's middle name?

First to comment with the correct answer wins!

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1:18 am - The Launch of Feldman Rock

Welcome to the maiden update of Feldman Rock! I, Julia Feldman, master of Feldman Rock, am here in scenic Longport, NJ with The Feldman and his lovely wife, Maureen. We've made the trek out for the fabulous Feldman 4th of July party, held annually in the shoreside luxury that is the Feldman beachhouse. The party, a spectacular middle-aged bash with at least 6 kinds of alcohol in ready supply, is not the most exciting experience for the Littlest Feldman. However, one Feldman moment made the whole affair worthwhile...

It's around 10:30 at night. Party guests and residents from the whole block are making their way down to the beach to check out some fireworks (these prove eminently disappointing). Caught somewhere in the middle of the scattered, slow-moving crowd of well-dressed, upper-class beachgoers are myself and AMF. As we stroll towards the beach, he leans towards me and says "You know, it looks kind of like a zombie movie... like when all the zombies are moving towards one place?"

I just nod and laugh, and we hold out our arms and stagger towards the beach like the undead we are.

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